Welcome back Wittenberg, enjoy the bubble
Jon Umbel
Issue date: 1/26/06 Section: Humor
Welcome back to the land of Chuck Norris, beautiful people, Jujubes, and vampires - the Humor Section (except for the beautiful people). This semester we promise more tirades about Security, Natty Light, and overpriced items in the Commons. That's right I said it, the Commons. If you don't like it, I send the dynamic duo of Jesse Jackson and Jason Bixler to convince you otherwise. So before the semester gets too hectic, let's bring you up to speed on what happened since we last shared in the glory of white papyrus and black ink.
I noticed something over break that totally shocked and astounded me; the real world sucks. Instead of procrastination, flowing taps, and a 10:00 a.m. wakeup time, I was greeted with a job, deadlines, and a Diet Coke. My advice to you; stay here in the Witt Bubble for as long as you can. This is the only time in your life where it is perfectly acceptable to wear pajama pants for five days straight, carry a Nalgene of jungle juice everywhere, and camp out 24/7 at the bar. This may have been obvious to some of you, but the rest of us were too busy playing beer pong with God to notice or even care.
While I was at home, I also had the best experience since playing wiffleball with Mr. T: going to the liquor store with my parents. It was interesting to not only shop, but rather compare notes on what is delightful, despicable, and everything in between. A close second is going with them to the bar. I was astounded that you could actually buy beer by the glass and it doesn't have to taste like gorilla sweat. Ernie Spycher would have been proud. For years, my parents locked themselves in this little box away from the true joy of drinking and have only recently been liberated. Since I came to college, they have finally found an outlet for this pent up need of partying and bad beer. Either that or they are trying to relive their own Animal House days minus the toga. I mean come on, my mom came to my 21st birthday party and then proceeded to sink six straight cups in beer pong and nearly make me run naked in the freezing cold had it not been for a glorious rebuttal that Vince Vaughn and Jake Rollefson would totally approve. They then stayed until 2a.m., drank most of my friends under the table, and weren't the least bit phased the next day.
My parents have become legends here at Witt, and I'm okay with that. Next time you see them, buy them a drink. It will be a night at the bar you will never forget or maybe never remember.
I noticed something over break that totally shocked and astounded me; the real world sucks. Instead of procrastination, flowing taps, and a 10:00 a.m. wakeup time, I was greeted with a job, deadlines, and a Diet Coke. My advice to you; stay here in the Witt Bubble for as long as you can. This is the only time in your life where it is perfectly acceptable to wear pajama pants for five days straight, carry a Nalgene of jungle juice everywhere, and camp out 24/7 at the bar. This may have been obvious to some of you, but the rest of us were too busy playing beer pong with God to notice or even care.
While I was at home, I also had the best experience since playing wiffleball with Mr. T: going to the liquor store with my parents. It was interesting to not only shop, but rather compare notes on what is delightful, despicable, and everything in between. A close second is going with them to the bar. I was astounded that you could actually buy beer by the glass and it doesn't have to taste like gorilla sweat. Ernie Spycher would have been proud. For years, my parents locked themselves in this little box away from the true joy of drinking and have only recently been liberated. Since I came to college, they have finally found an outlet for this pent up need of partying and bad beer. Either that or they are trying to relive their own Animal House days minus the toga. I mean come on, my mom came to my 21st birthday party and then proceeded to sink six straight cups in beer pong and nearly make me run naked in the freezing cold had it not been for a glorious rebuttal that Vince Vaughn and Jake Rollefson would totally approve. They then stayed until 2a.m., drank most of my friends under the table, and weren't the least bit phased the next day.
My parents have become legends here at Witt, and I'm okay with that. Next time you see them, buy them a drink. It will be a night at the bar you will never forget or maybe never remember.
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