www.wittenbergtorch.com

Issue date: 2/2/06 Section: Humor

That's it. I've had enough. Everyday I have my pet squirrel open my Wittenberg email account and all he finds is worthless SPAM. I hate it. Numerous messages flood my inbox about prescription drugs, computer software, Dresdner Bank, and enlarging my "member."

First of all I'm not my grandparents, so I don't need discounts on Cialis, Viagra, or any other pills. And besides, if I wanted cheap pills, I would just go to Canada anyways. I think there should be a sign on the United States/Canada border that reads, "Welcome to the land of cheap drugs and underage drinking." I mean, that's the only reason we keep Canada around anyways. How else would we pacify drunken teenage college students and Grandpa Fred's sex life? Well, I guess we could ask Marlon Brando, but that would be complicated.

Second, I don't need any new computer software. If I wanted a new version of Windows or some stupid tax program, I would just download it off the internet for free. And wouldn't you think that if I am using my email, I already have Windows or some other operating system? My computer runs just fine. I mean, sometimes I have to tell Devin Langston to take a break and get out of his wheel, but I can handle a break from Facebook for at least five minutes.

Dresdner Bank represents all that is evil in this world. I blame one person and one person only for this outrage: Tregg Nardecchia. Because of him, Dresner Bank now tempts me to stash money overseas in some country that I can't even pronounce. Have you ever opened one of these? The whole freakin' message is in some other language. If I can't read it, then what makes them think I would even consider giving them my slush fund? They can stay on the other side of the pond with their crazy talk. All I hear is "Blah, blah, blah, I'm a dirty tramp." That's what Shawn Miller tells me anyways.

Finally, I do not need to enlarge anything. They don't call me inches for nothing. You can ask John Strawn about that one.

So thank you to the Solutions Center for dealing me loads and loads of worthless crap. You even label it to make it convenient for me to delete it. The only problem is I have to pay the squirrel extra for all the overtime he's working. Maybe I should just hire a duckbill platypus. I hear they're more efficient anyways.

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