Zombies + Japan = DOOM!
Bob Richardson
Issue date: 2/16/06 Section: Humor
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So, for the past month, I've had several people ask me how my trip to Japan was. Rather than go into great detail about the many ways in which it was awesome, and the few shortcomings, I tell them it was "fantastic." What I'm afraid of telling them is that Japan is in grave danger of The Great Zombie Apocalypse, as predicted by George A. Romero and Max Brooks.
For those of you who have been to Japan, you quickly notice how incredibly crowded and peaceful it is. Lots of people and no guns is to The Great Zombie Apocalypse as reality television is to Darwinism. The Japanese are begging to die a mindless, embarrassing death.
One might say, "This problem only pertains to the Japanese. Let them deal with it." Well, you're an idiot. If Japan's masses are raped by the undead (please don't read into that), then the rest of the world's fate is also about to be sealed. Who will make us video games? One might also go so far as to say, "Why not let the bulk of Japan's karate masters and samurais fend off the un-dead?" Shut up.
What did I do to help aid in the prevention of this hazard to not only Japan, but the entire world? I secluded myself in my room for the remainder of my stay in Japan. No, I didn't hide. I quickly scoured the nearest libraries for blueprints of every building in a five mile radius. Don't ask me how I found them in a library. When I tried to check them out, the check-out lady started rambling to me in some incoherent mumbo-jumbo that wasn't English. So, I smiled, waved, and just tried walking out of the library with the blueprints. The wench had the nerve to run up to me and yell at me in this foreign tongue in a rather unsettling manner, so I punched her in the throat and walked out, anyway.
So, for the next month, I stayed in my room and had my okaasan (maid-slave) bring me up food regularly while I studied and slaved over the blueprints. I didn't bother going to class, since I figured that I'd get deported for punching that dumb broad at the library in the throat before I even got to finish them, but that time never came. My friends visited me a couple times with pleas about me going out with them, saying how it wasn't healthy to stay inside all day and that I wasn't taking advantage of my time in Japan, and blah blah blah. How could I go out when Japan was about to be overrun by zombies? Easy: my okaasan forced me to leave because my room started smelling like ammonia and crotch.
For those of you who have been to Japan, you quickly notice how incredibly crowded and peaceful it is. Lots of people and no guns is to The Great Zombie Apocalypse as reality television is to Darwinism. The Japanese are begging to die a mindless, embarrassing death.
One might say, "This problem only pertains to the Japanese. Let them deal with it." Well, you're an idiot. If Japan's masses are raped by the undead (please don't read into that), then the rest of the world's fate is also about to be sealed. Who will make us video games? One might also go so far as to say, "Why not let the bulk of Japan's karate masters and samurais fend off the un-dead?" Shut up.
What did I do to help aid in the prevention of this hazard to not only Japan, but the entire world? I secluded myself in my room for the remainder of my stay in Japan. No, I didn't hide. I quickly scoured the nearest libraries for blueprints of every building in a five mile radius. Don't ask me how I found them in a library. When I tried to check them out, the check-out lady started rambling to me in some incoherent mumbo-jumbo that wasn't English. So, I smiled, waved, and just tried walking out of the library with the blueprints. The wench had the nerve to run up to me and yell at me in this foreign tongue in a rather unsettling manner, so I punched her in the throat and walked out, anyway.
So, for the next month, I stayed in my room and had my okaasan (maid-slave) bring me up food regularly while I studied and slaved over the blueprints. I didn't bother going to class, since I figured that I'd get deported for punching that dumb broad at the library in the throat before I even got to finish them, but that time never came. My friends visited me a couple times with pleas about me going out with them, saying how it wasn't healthy to stay inside all day and that I wasn't taking advantage of my time in Japan, and blah blah blah. How could I go out when Japan was about to be overrun by zombies? Easy: my okaasan forced me to leave because my room started smelling like ammonia and crotch.
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