Humor Editor is pregnant!!
Ben Kreucher
Issue date: 3/30/06 Section: Humor
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Have you heard? This is hotter than when Jen and Brad split. There is a real live case of pregnancy. I know, shocking in this day and age. But, The Flame is proud to only bring you the most glitzy stories filled with truth. So, sit back and enjoy our interview.
We first asked the young man to recall how this happened.
Ben: Well, the other day, I went into the Health Center exhausted with a sore throat and a headache. The doctor on call, Dr. Plains, gives me the standard treatment, Sudafed and a condom. Because we all know, my headache and sore throat are from improper protection. Wait… then, he proceeds to hand me a pregnancy test. I look at him, incredulous. It's standard procedure. "But, I'm a dude!"
"Madam, just please take the test." Apparently, his old age was getting to him.
"I'm a D-U-D-E, dude."
"Just piss on the stick."
So, fuming, I grabbed the test from his outstretched hand and walked into the bathroom. In my anger, I didn't even bother aiming. I walked out and handed it to him. "You forgot to flush." I walked back in and finished.
After waiting the allotted time, he told me my results: "Well, ma'am, it seems as though you're pregnant." Wow, his eyesight must've been bad. I took it from his ungloved hand and read it; it's was clear as day: I am pregnant. I frantically looked around for an explanation, perhaps there's a woman in here whose test this could've been, but the place was as barren as the Sahara. I stared dumbstruck at the senile old man. He just grinned. "What are you hoping for?"
Flame: Then what did you do?
Ben: After passing three more tests and getting a maybe on a fourth, I figured, I'd better prepare for the inevitable. I went to Blockbuster and rented "Junior". If Arnold Schwarzenegger can have a baby, so can I (apparently). After sitting through that, I am still no calmer. I still don't know how this could happen. I mean, I don't even have a girlfriend (and no, I don't have a boyfriend either, if that's what you're thinking).
Flame: Our readers are dying to know, are you going to keep it?
Ben: Well, as of right now, I'm not sure. I'm still talking it over with my parents, seeing as how I am unattached currently. But, a big draw to fatherhood is that cute babies get chicks. So, I'll have that going for me, which'll be nice.
Well, dear reader, there you have it, all the facts: babies really do get the attention of women and not only women can get pregnant. We're entering into a new day and age, folks. Stay tuned next week for our shocking photos and exposé of the pre-med program: Students sign the hypocritical oath in preparation for MCAT.
We first asked the young man to recall how this happened.
Ben: Well, the other day, I went into the Health Center exhausted with a sore throat and a headache. The doctor on call, Dr. Plains, gives me the standard treatment, Sudafed and a condom. Because we all know, my headache and sore throat are from improper protection. Wait… then, he proceeds to hand me a pregnancy test. I look at him, incredulous. It's standard procedure. "But, I'm a dude!"
"Madam, just please take the test." Apparently, his old age was getting to him.
"I'm a D-U-D-E, dude."
"Just piss on the stick."
So, fuming, I grabbed the test from his outstretched hand and walked into the bathroom. In my anger, I didn't even bother aiming. I walked out and handed it to him. "You forgot to flush." I walked back in and finished.
After waiting the allotted time, he told me my results: "Well, ma'am, it seems as though you're pregnant." Wow, his eyesight must've been bad. I took it from his ungloved hand and read it; it's was clear as day: I am pregnant. I frantically looked around for an explanation, perhaps there's a woman in here whose test this could've been, but the place was as barren as the Sahara. I stared dumbstruck at the senile old man. He just grinned. "What are you hoping for?"
Flame: Then what did you do?
Ben: After passing three more tests and getting a maybe on a fourth, I figured, I'd better prepare for the inevitable. I went to Blockbuster and rented "Junior". If Arnold Schwarzenegger can have a baby, so can I (apparently). After sitting through that, I am still no calmer. I still don't know how this could happen. I mean, I don't even have a girlfriend (and no, I don't have a boyfriend either, if that's what you're thinking).
Flame: Our readers are dying to know, are you going to keep it?
Ben: Well, as of right now, I'm not sure. I'm still talking it over with my parents, seeing as how I am unattached currently. But, a big draw to fatherhood is that cute babies get chicks. So, I'll have that going for me, which'll be nice.
Well, dear reader, there you have it, all the facts: babies really do get the attention of women and not only women can get pregnant. We're entering into a new day and age, folks. Stay tuned next week for our shocking photos and exposé of the pre-med program: Students sign the hypocritical oath in preparation for MCAT.