Spring is here: Let the baby-making begin
Jon Umbel
Issue date: 4/13/06 Section: Humor
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Finally, after much deliberation, spring has returned to Witt. The sun is shining, birds are singing, and skirts are getting shorter. Usually I'd make a comment here about more people wearing sandals, but people on this campus have no sense in footwear as flip-flops are a year-round occurrence. Sometimes I think Chris Lyon even has his sandals glued to his feet. Anyways, spring has arrived and now I can put away my boots, gloves, and hats. It's about freakin' time. I mean, it is April already.
Not everything about spring is wonderful though. First, as you may have noticed, Wittenberg has decided to plant an obscene amount of flowers around campus. It feels like I'm walking though an arboretum rather than a college campus. These plants appear in the most random places as well. I'll be walking through the middle of the Hollow and a group of pansies or daisies will just appear out of nowhere. Then they just sit there and smile at me obnoxiously with their bright petals and happy stamens. Well, they sure aren't happy anymore after I curb-stomped them into oblivion. I know the administration is trying to present a positive image of our campus, but this is a little over-the-top. If you really want to impress students, plant some barley and hops in random places around campus. Then turn Recitation Hal into a microbrewery. This would be a more accurate representation of our school anyways.
You can also tell spring has arrived by the arrival of the annoying black bugs that swarm around your face as you walk to class. Call me crazy, but it seems like every person is followed by a black haze, followed by a stream of swats. My friends are constantly swimming through the air, fighting for their lives against these deadly beasts. I have also waged several battles against these insects, almost losing my life once as one of them kamikazed down my throat, blocking my airway and sending me into a coughing fit. While I was immobilized, another bomber flew up my nose, thus dehabilitating me as I crashed to the ground below. Luckily, I was able to regain my composure, and through the help of Mike Beck and Nick Nora, I fought off the savages. General Custer would be proud.
The final indication of spring in Springfield is the increase of condom sales. Spring is the season of love and thus sexual activity is bound to increase. Man with woman, man with man, horse with rabbit; they are all more prevalent as the weather gets warmer. Personally, I think people have just as much sex in the winter, you just don't see it because they do it in bed, rather than on the hood of my car. At least they can get a tan. So remember everyone, be safe and Smokey the Bear says to "Wrap it before you tap it." Good riddance to spring. Happy fornicating everyone.
Not everything about spring is wonderful though. First, as you may have noticed, Wittenberg has decided to plant an obscene amount of flowers around campus. It feels like I'm walking though an arboretum rather than a college campus. These plants appear in the most random places as well. I'll be walking through the middle of the Hollow and a group of pansies or daisies will just appear out of nowhere. Then they just sit there and smile at me obnoxiously with their bright petals and happy stamens. Well, they sure aren't happy anymore after I curb-stomped them into oblivion. I know the administration is trying to present a positive image of our campus, but this is a little over-the-top. If you really want to impress students, plant some barley and hops in random places around campus. Then turn Recitation Hal into a microbrewery. This would be a more accurate representation of our school anyways.
You can also tell spring has arrived by the arrival of the annoying black bugs that swarm around your face as you walk to class. Call me crazy, but it seems like every person is followed by a black haze, followed by a stream of swats. My friends are constantly swimming through the air, fighting for their lives against these deadly beasts. I have also waged several battles against these insects, almost losing my life once as one of them kamikazed down my throat, blocking my airway and sending me into a coughing fit. While I was immobilized, another bomber flew up my nose, thus dehabilitating me as I crashed to the ground below. Luckily, I was able to regain my composure, and through the help of Mike Beck and Nick Nora, I fought off the savages. General Custer would be proud.
The final indication of spring in Springfield is the increase of condom sales. Spring is the season of love and thus sexual activity is bound to increase. Man with woman, man with man, horse with rabbit; they are all more prevalent as the weather gets warmer. Personally, I think people have just as much sex in the winter, you just don't see it because they do it in bed, rather than on the hood of my car. At least they can get a tan. So remember everyone, be safe and Smokey the Bear says to "Wrap it before you tap it." Good riddance to spring. Happy fornicating everyone.
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