Britney, my dear, what happened?
Jon Umbel
Issue date: 1/25/07 Section: Humor
Welcome back to yet another invigorating semester here at Witt. Hopefully you all have recovered from Uncle Bill's egg nog, or the STDs you got on New Year's Eve. Now while the life on campus might be spectacular in its own right, outside of our hallowed bubble things have been raging in the celebrity world. It seems that Britney Spears has found a new buddy to hang out with since K-Fed is out of the picture. While this appears to be a step in the right direction, I'm afraid I have bad news because her new BFF is none other than the slutty devil herself, Paris Hilton.
There are so many people that would have been a better influence on Britney. She could have spent time getting in shape with Mia Hamm, or perhaps try to become a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, or even better, co-star with Jack Osbourne on the hit reality show "Armed and Famous." Maybe then, she could have righted herself and become a productive member of our society. She could vote, take a stand on important political issues, or maybe even challenge Hillary Clinton for the title of "Most Well Known Woman in America Who is not a Tramp."
Instead, the results have been disastrous; even more so than the Ohio State flop and leave against the Florida Scaley Lizards. First of all, when she chose to wear a dress that bares the bottom of her hind quarters, bad things were bound to happen.
On top of that, knowing now to exit an exotic automobile without exposing her ka-choo would have been a smart move. I think thye offer classes on that down at the DMV, led by the wonderful Glenn Close. Second, if she doesn't know fashion, which is obviously the case, she shouldn't fake it and pick out clothes by going eeny-meeny-miney-mo in her closet. That just leads to horrific pictures that totally disrupt the chi of my poster with the schoolgirl outfit.
Finally, she should know that if someone is paying her five hundred g's to host a New Year's Eve party; it might be in her best interest to stay awake to watch the ball drop. Making out with random waiters and then passing out in a drunken stupor won't sign the checks, babe. Because of this, the NFL chose her friend Paris and her departed beau over her to star in a Super Bowl commercial. Ouch!
There are so many people that would have been a better influence on Britney. She could have spent time getting in shape with Mia Hamm, or perhaps try to become a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, or even better, co-star with Jack Osbourne on the hit reality show "Armed and Famous." Maybe then, she could have righted herself and become a productive member of our society. She could vote, take a stand on important political issues, or maybe even challenge Hillary Clinton for the title of "Most Well Known Woman in America Who is not a Tramp."
Instead, the results have been disastrous; even more so than the Ohio State flop and leave against the Florida Scaley Lizards. First of all, when she chose to wear a dress that bares the bottom of her hind quarters, bad things were bound to happen.
On top of that, knowing now to exit an exotic automobile without exposing her ka-choo would have been a smart move. I think thye offer classes on that down at the DMV, led by the wonderful Glenn Close. Second, if she doesn't know fashion, which is obviously the case, she shouldn't fake it and pick out clothes by going eeny-meeny-miney-mo in her closet. That just leads to horrific pictures that totally disrupt the chi of my poster with the schoolgirl outfit.
Finally, she should know that if someone is paying her five hundred g's to host a New Year's Eve party; it might be in her best interest to stay awake to watch the ball drop. Making out with random waiters and then passing out in a drunken stupor won't sign the checks, babe. Because of this, the NFL chose her friend Paris and her departed beau over her to star in a Super Bowl commercial. Ouch!
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