Health Center Holidays: What's better than roses? Not having herpes!
Jon Umbel
Issue date: 2/1/07 Section: Humor
- Page 1 of 1
Good news! After reading my "wonderfully truthful" article last week, Britney Spears gave me a call. Turns out she really digs a guy like me. We went out, ate at this great Italian place, had a bottle of wine (or two), and then hit the clubs. About three hours later, we ended up back at my place in the VIP Lounge. I lit some candles, turned on some Lionel Richie, and gracious amounts soft-petting occurred. I won't bore you with the details, but let's just say I wasn't lonely that night.
Now before you run down to the Plum Food Mart to look for me in National Enquirer, let me finish the story. The next day, she left after breakfast (something about a rendezvous with Paris). She seemed to be in a hurry, almost as if the night before was a mistake. She didn't even leave her number. I just kind of shrugged it off and carried on with my normal activities, especially a shower. However, after thinking about the action of the previous night, it dawned on me that perhaps I should get tested for STDs. I mean, Britney is not that innocent, a definite freak in the sack.
I was pondering how to go about this, but in the meantime, decided to check my email. Well, wouldn't you know it, there was a message in my inbox from the Health Center advertising free HIV testing for Valentine's Day. It was a sign, an omen. My prayers had been answered. Good ole' Wittenberg comes through again.
Advertising through holidays - what a great idea. It's like supplying peanut butter to someone who already has jelly. It's the final push to get people over the hump. In fact, the Health Center should do this for other holidays as well. Here are a few examples:
1. Celebrate the Immaculate Conception with a pregnancy test. See if you're getting an extra special gift this Christmas.
2. Happy New Year! Don't remember what happened last night? That's okay, come on in and get the morning-after pill.
3. Think peeing green is unusual? Happy St. Patricks Day and get your urine tested.
4. 4/20 your jive? Get a drug screening on 4/19 to give to your current or future employer before you hit the hash pipe.
5. Arbor Day means one thing: It's mono season. Free tests at the Health Center for the "kissing disease."
See how seamlessly all these things go together. Somebody should give me a million dollars for such a great idea. That way I could convince Britney to come over again. She charges for the second time.
Now before you run down to the Plum Food Mart to look for me in National Enquirer, let me finish the story. The next day, she left after breakfast (something about a rendezvous with Paris). She seemed to be in a hurry, almost as if the night before was a mistake. She didn't even leave her number. I just kind of shrugged it off and carried on with my normal activities, especially a shower. However, after thinking about the action of the previous night, it dawned on me that perhaps I should get tested for STDs. I mean, Britney is not that innocent, a definite freak in the sack.
I was pondering how to go about this, but in the meantime, decided to check my email. Well, wouldn't you know it, there was a message in my inbox from the Health Center advertising free HIV testing for Valentine's Day. It was a sign, an omen. My prayers had been answered. Good ole' Wittenberg comes through again.
Advertising through holidays - what a great idea. It's like supplying peanut butter to someone who already has jelly. It's the final push to get people over the hump. In fact, the Health Center should do this for other holidays as well. Here are a few examples:
1. Celebrate the Immaculate Conception with a pregnancy test. See if you're getting an extra special gift this Christmas.
2. Happy New Year! Don't remember what happened last night? That's okay, come on in and get the morning-after pill.
3. Think peeing green is unusual? Happy St. Patricks Day and get your urine tested.
4. 4/20 your jive? Get a drug screening on 4/19 to give to your current or future employer before you hit the hash pipe.
5. Arbor Day means one thing: It's mono season. Free tests at the Health Center for the "kissing disease."
See how seamlessly all these things go together. Somebody should give me a million dollars for such a great idea. That way I could convince Britney to come over again. She charges for the second time.
Be the first to comment on this story